Mailman Delivers

During the last few years I have spent a significant amount of time away from home in order to avoid the man who abused me and who set out to destroy me for telling the truth, which of course exposed him as the very ill man he is. He felt entitled to steal what ever he wanted from me and destroy my life and to do the same to his wife. For years and years he lied to, manipulated, and used both of us, to say nothing of the countless other women. How dare we think we are entitled to the truth of our own lives!!!  

It is about time for me to hit the road again. I am going to visit someone with the same name as my abuser - if he exists - which I doubt, as there are no databases that contain any such person, but that is a whole other post. And then off to the far North to do more research for my book.

I love summer time, or at least I used to. I wish I could spend it doing the things I used to do, going to the places I used to go, always laughing, always smiling and having fun.  But now there is a lot of pain, and a lot of fear, and I feel safer being gone.

I'll keep posting and look forward to your comments and emails!   Have a great summer!   

Slowly, over time I heard and saw how easily the man who abused me, who we will call LM (for lying manipulator) did what he did, how easily the lies came, how thick the weave of deception went, and I also learned about the reactions of other men to his lies and cheating as well as his community of fellow cheaters.

One time LM called a hotel where he had stayed many times over the years for business and spoke to a clerk he knew. He was laughing and joking and said - hey Joe (or whatever his name was) I need you to do me a favor, LM has been a bad boy, so if anyone calls and asks if I stayed there last night, I did. Joe said no problem and they both laughed and laughed. In reality we had stayed in another town. I remember the month, year and hotel where this happened.

What is really sad is this hotel is in a city less than two hours away, so there was never any reason for him to spend the night there for business - really, it was a joke. He did it for two reasons; one because for a very long time he had a girlfriend in that town, and, well, he wanted it to be convenient for her of course, because after all she was married too, until he destroyed that marriage too - and the second, even more important reason, is that the hotel was right next to a large hotel-convention center. The bar there was a prime hunting spot of his with all the convention and meeting business.

He didn't realize I heard him say this and it gave me a really sick feeling. He was extremely secretive and did everything he could not to let me see who he really was and how he operated. In spite of the fact that he was telling me he wanted to be a different kind of man and was completely changed because of his love for me, he was still a consummate abuser - he needed to protect his methods of deception so that he could manipulate and abuse me when it benefited him.

Of course he quickly apologized and made excuses and went on about how happy he was that soon he would be free of his horrible wife and marriage and never have to live like this anymore.

It was a glimpse, a sign, a warning of who he was. Yes, we all tell lies and do things we are not proud of, or even understand at times. But this was different, it was cold and calculating, and he could go right into this character and right back out in a split second.

This joking about cheating and women with other men was shocking to me and I will go into more in depth in other posts.

 

 

 

"Does anybody really believe that James cheated because of his dad's abuse? It is a cop-out at best and a flat out lie at worst. It was said in order to gain sympathy from the audience when in reality he deserves no sympathy at all. This whole apology tour is intended to do one thing and that is to make people feel sorry for him."

--http://metrowny.com/blogs/archives/690-Jesse-James-interview-leaves-Michelle-Bombshell-McGee-upset-75b0xw00d.html

 

An individual who commits serial adultery, doing the same thing with woman after woman, and with multiple women at a time, year after year, after year - has deeply ingrained formulas and routines that he, or she, uses. 

The number one method: making others feel sorry for him.  Take note, it is the primary and universal method of this kind of abuser. 

My abuser was an expert at it. He solicited my sympathies on a daily basis for an endless parade of things. His marriage, his job, his childhood, his lack of friends, fun, money, sex, well - you get the picture.

I saw and heard him use this routine with countless others too; and - he is still using it.  In fact, it is now all he has.

He destroyed my life with lies and deceit, and unbelievably goes around asking others to feel sorry for him, even as he enlists them to carry out his revenge, of course the only people he can find to do this are people he has to pay. This is when you know that you are dealing with a personality disorder.

 

• Instead of actually changing......
• Instead of taking accountability for their actions......
• Instead of honoring the truth.....
• Instead of acting with integrity toward the people they have damaged.....

 

They continue doing what they have always done. They play the poor poor me game -- yet again.

They make excuses, cry and complain, point fingers and blame. 

The vast majority of people, who all make mistakes, do not do this.  People with any self respect or integrity, do not do this. 

Never.      

Period. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by citizenusa-2009 April 29, 2010 11:43 AM EDT

Jesse has one out of control ego. He thinks because he duped Sandra so effectively, he can tell the media anything (his heart is "broken" and the rest of that crap), and everyone will feel bad for him. Are you kidding me? This guy has as much emotion as a snake.

Duping is the specialty of all serial adulterers. We are not talking about someone making one mistake or going through one tough time. We are talking about a disturbed personality whose lying and manipulating is an ingrained pattern of behavior.

The man who abused me spent his whole life duping other women as well as business associates, family and friends - and he has the same out of control ego. 

He also thinks that he can continue duping his wife, other people and the public, but like all people with a damaged psyche he has no idea how other people see him in the light of day once he has been exposed.

Secrecy is essential for these abusers, they do everything they can to isolate their victims, creating a whole world of us against them.

This blogger is right, these men have no emotion. People who are capable of doing what they did are incapable of intimacy and feel no empathy for anyone, and are simply continuing their long worn out act. 

Excerpt from:

Sandra Bullock is A Hero, Elin Woods is a Doormat and Sex Addiction is Lame

 http://www.jewishjournal.com/keepingthefaith/item/sandra_bullock_is_a_hero_elin_woods_is_a_doormat_sex_addiction_is_lame_2010/

Sandra Bullock did what so many women were hoping she would.  She filed for divorce. I loved Sandra Bullock before this whole mess started.  Now, not only do I love her, but I also respect and admire her.

Sandra is a hero.  To every woman who has been broken, she is a hero.   She is brave and strong, and unlike Elin Woods, she respects herself enough to walk away from a man who did not respect her, and their life together.  Elin Woods should pay very close attention to how Ms. Bullock is handling herself through all of this.  It’s not too late for her to come to her senses, and walk away from her disgusting, lying and cheating husband. 

To all the women who are in relationships right now, where they know they are being disrespected, gather strength from her, and get out.  To Elin Woods, get out.  It is better to forge ahead on your own, even if you are heartbroken and scared, than stay with a man who does not respect you, and your life together.  Sandra Bullock filing for divorce was brave, and the right thing to do.  Period.

I am getting bored with men who say they are suffering from sex addiction.  It is a convenient label to put on yourself when you have crossed a line, and there appears to be no way back.  What they are suffering from, is a case of “I’m famous-she won’t leave me-I can sleep with anyone I want, porn star loving-Nazi worshipping-money seeking-skanky whore digging-I don’t care what my kids will think of me-itis.”  This ailment is more commonly known as,  “Imadouchelorditis.”  Sadly, there is no cure.

How dare he say that it would be selfish for him to not let her go?  It has nothing to do with you buddy.  Even if you begged, which I’m sure you did, she wouldn’t take you back.  She has too much respect for herself, her child, and her heart, to stay with you. Are you kidding me?  Really?  Jesse James is a pig, and if he thinks we’re buying this load of crap, then he is also a moron.

To Sandra and Louis, Mazel Tov on finding your way to each other.  We wish you all good things. To Sandra, bravo.  You are an inspiration, and your actions will perhaps allow another woman in a similar situation, to be strong, walk away, and keep the faith.

Grandiose: having an exaggerated belief in one's importance, sometimes reaching delusional proportions, and occurring as a common symptom of mental illnesses.

 

The man who abused me, like all narcissists, has a grandiose sense of entitlement.

The precious years of my life that he stole from me with lies, he feels entitled to. The damage to my heart, my mind, my soul, entitled to.  My family and the life I had that he destroyed, the money he conned me out of, the gifts of love and spirit, entitled to. 

He feels entitled to lie about me and our relationship, to change the truth about who I was, what we shared, what he convinced me about his marriage and life, to keep things of mine that don't belong to him, to attack and damage me in any way he can.

He came after me, vowing his love and commitment, HE ASKED ME TO TRUST HIM,  HE ASKED ME TO HELP HIM. 

I asked him for only one thing, the truth, not to waste any more of the life I had left on anything less. 

He still feels entitled to anything he wants from me. He feels entitled to come into my neighborhood, go to the places I go, wear clothes I bought him and enjoy all the people and things I brought into his life and taught him about.

He feels entitled to keep attacking me, to seek his revenge in hopes that damaging me will aid him in fooling others, just as all psychologically disordered minds do.

He feels entitled to make me live in fear and pain ....... shrugs it off as if it, and I, are nothing. 

He saw me somewhere and came back the very next day, knowing I would be there, if there is anything a narcissist is, it is calculating. 

He put on his sheepish, innocent act for his friend, the act he used for years to lure me in, the one he used on all the other women too, the one he uses for anyone that he thinks is powerful or attractive or might benefit him in any way.

I know for an absolute fact, would lay down my life for it - that whenever it was that he told his friend about us, that it contained LIE, after LIE, after LIE.

That he did not DEFEND, PROTECT, HONOR, or TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY. Oh I'm sure he hung his head and mumbled very softly about having been a little bad in hopes of gaining sympathy, before LYING, OMITTING, RATIONALIZING AND BLAMING - WOULD THAT BE FOR ME - OR THE DOZENS OF OTHER WOMEN?  I'm sure he neglected to mention that I was just one in a long line to be used and abused, because otherwise, golly gee, someone might think it was him.

Do you think he would stand up, like any decent person would, and say I deserve  that, I treated this person horribly and  hurt her deeply, I convinced her to trust and believe in me and then betrayed her badly. I left my marriage because I was deeply in love with her and convinced her to do the same so we could spend the rest of ours together.  I had been having affairs since the beginning of my marrriage, I told this woman I wanted to change, to be a different kind of man, and I asked her to help me. She created me and gave me a whole new life and I will never be able to repay the debt I owe her.

Do you think he said I went back to my marriage because of my son, because my wife would have turned him against me and cut me out of his life, because if he makes it in baseball we might be rich and famous and she never would have let me walk into a baseball game.

Do you think he said that I kept seeing her because I loved her and had made a huge mistake moving back, and then when I was found out, I lied about everything.

That she is a very special woman who did not deserve the things I did to her.

No, no on all accounts, oh he will have put in a few woe is me's for sympathy, but about everything that matters he will lie and omit. He will say that he told me he wanted to move back. Yes he did, but he said it was to protect his son and be a part of his life, he said it was an arrangement, that he couldn't stand his wife, and he never, ever wanted to stop being with me, that is the biggest lie of all!!!! Why would he, he had always had another woman in his life, usually several, he never ended anything if he could get away with it, attempting to keep them to use for all the things that were nonexistent in his marriage.

He apologizes to his friend because he hears something uncomfortable but refuses to apologize to me for defrauding me out of my marriage, my money, my body, my sympathies and my time - for DESTROYING MY HEALTH AND SHATTERING MY REALITY. That is insanity.

The only reason he apologized to his friend is because he is still part of his narcissistic supply, he needs and wants him to think of him in a certain way, so he plays the role and mimics the emotions that he knows he should have and will benefit him. Mimicking emotions is what people with narcissistic personality disorder do because it is all they are capable of. He always plays the poor pitiful man to gain others sympathy, the same way he did to me.

When a narcissist betrays you he doesn't put the lance into your heart, because - he has no concept of what that is, instead - the narcissist, puts the lance into your back - that he knows very well.

He doesn't stand up like a man and offer explanations or apologies, doesn't take accountability for his actions, honor his commitments or pay his debts. He doesn't defend or protect the woman that he spent every day with for four years convincing  of his love.

What he does do, is attack you. In the same way that he systematically targeted and lured you, he mounts a campaign to damage you, in every way he can, big and small.

I spent every day for more than four years with this man, and every single one of them I treated him with tenderness and grace. I tried to heal his broken spirit and fill his soul with goodness and love, fun and laughter, dignity and respect.

Four years and all we talked about, every day, was being honest and true, good and kind. All he talked about was what a sham and a mistake his marriage was, how emotionally abusive to him and his son, how he had to be there for his son or she would turn him against him, cut him out of his life and maybe ruin his son's chance at his dream career. 

This man turned on me and every word that came out of his mouth for money. His chance to finally be someone because his son may play baseball, his desperate dream of money, the millions he might get. All to live in the miserable sham he created for him self. I have to say, I am pleased as punch at that thought, he, he, ha ha.

And it is worth duping, vilifying, traumatizing and destroying me.  Breaking up my family, attacking my friends, stealing my money and causing me to lose my church, my health, my home and my income. 

This is what a narcissist will do if you dare stand up to him or expose him. If you know one - watch your back!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"When a human being is protesting society's refusal to acknowledge her dignity as a human being, her very act of protest confers dignity on her."

 -Bayard Rustin 

 

"By a lie, a man... annihilates his dignity as a man."

-Immanuel Kant

 

Why wouldn't Tiger Woods walk the straight and narrow after some information came out?

Days before his crash he called one girlfriend and asked her to take her name off her phone because his wife found his phone and might call. A few nights later on Thanksgiving he was still texting words of love to another girlfriend. Right up until the last minute he was lying, scheming and denying.

I guarantee Elin Woods was a tortured woman who was told lie after lie while begging for a shred of the truth she deserved, who was made deep, solemn promises, that were broken within moments, who received vows of love and commitment one minute and was covertly abused and insulted the next, and I gaurantee this happened over and over again.

I know because it is exactly the same behavior of the man who abused me and typical behavior of a serial adulterer and narcissist. I was lied to, manipulated and used right up until the very last minute, when it was beyond sane, beyond humane, beyond all explanation. 

Sometimes in a life we reach a place where nothing in the world matters, nothing, except the most basic and primal need for all human beings, the need for our worth as a human being to be acknowledged and respected.

It is so simple and requires so little, and withholding this dignity is an act so callous, that the only way the perpetrator can be described is inhumane. There are no excuses and the only explanation is a damaged, dangerous, individual.

These men don't stop abusing when any sane person would for the same reason they lie every day, because they have a reckless, careless disregard for the rights and dignity of others, and care only about themselves. 

 

 

From the moment we met I was always going to be used, I was always going to be attacked and threatened, I was always going to be betrayed.

I never did anything to this person, who repeatedly assaulted and damaged me, but always behind my back -while swearing his undying love and commitment to my face.

I was never anything to this man. The life I had, that my husband and children had is nothing. Our loss and our pain is nothing, except of course for how what he did might reflect upon him in the eyes of others - the consummate narcissist.

It is extremely painful to have to acknowledge that; it is an assault on my humanity and makes me physically ill.  Not because I have any feelings for him, but because the things he did to me were so far beyond the limits of decent behavior or accepted standards, that they can only be described as evil.  They are an assault on all humankind.

I am just another one of his "episodes," another bump in the road, another - in a long line - of meaningless women; the ones I listened to him confess about, listened to him act as if they were nothing and tell me he was as much a convenience to them as they were to him.

I told him I wanted no part of that kind of behavior or life, that I was not that kind of person, I didn't play games with other peoples live's - or with my own.  I told him I was not one of those girls and would not stand for being treated that way.  

I told him and told him this was wrong and I didn't want it. We discussed and discussed and discussed, the proximity of our lives and what the consequences would be.

I begged for the truth, for a truthful, honest life and relationship.  That was the focus of our relationship every day. 

What a joke huh?  No, not a joke, just a very evil, sick man, who preyed on me as his new target and victim, just like he had all the others.  And just like all the others, assaulted and damaged me every time I turned my back.  And when I stood up for myself and called him out, he revealed his true self, and the evil, hateful, hurtful person he is.

 

 

This is an excerpt from The Misfit Mistress' Blog - be sure to check her out!

-the other question i want to pose is what number of affairs makes the terminology shift from “indiscretions” to “mental disorder”…

i believe there are many reasons both men and women seek something outside their “legitimate” relationships… needs that need to be met, problems with communications, the need to feel like your still hot stuff, etc.  but how many indiscretions and attempts and rebuilding your marriage does it take to deem the situation a mental disorder for the perpetrator? this thought has been lingering in my head lately because my psychology students are working on their mental disorder projects… so ive been immersed in personality disorder symptoms.  i think about how R once told me that when him and his wife first went to counseling he “snowballed” the counselor and his wife so they got to the point where they no longer had to go… he knew what he was doing… he wasnt making an attempt to fix the marriage… but trying to get out of the counseling… this screams sociopathic behavior.  same thing goes for tiger woods… while your uptight conservative god fearing type will tell you its not normal to have an affair ever… this lady who has been involved in one affair will tell you its NOT normal to have affair after affair… something is definitely wrong if thats the case… freud would argue something happened to you in your childhood… and id argue that you have some sort of personality disorder.

so what is it? whats the number that kills a marriage forever despite the fact a couple may stay together? whats the number that classifies you mentally unstable? and, most importantly to my life, is it really possible R and his wife could be truly happy… truly alive after multiple affairs on his part?

 

The man who destroyed my life, to quote in writing, "will not apologize for anything."  He wasted years of my life, lied to me every day, used me every day for any and everything he could and "will not apologize for anything."

He broke every promise, vow, and agreement we had and "will not apologize for anything."

When his lies began to unravel he sadistically manipulated and psychologically tortured me, telling me, while holding me in his arms, to trust him, and "will not apologize for anything."

He duped me out of thousands of dollars, and instead of paying it and being done with it, he pays an attorney to threaten and attack me, and "will not apologize for anything."

He spent years convincing me of his love, persuaded me to end my marriage so that we could be married and build a life together - and in one minute, without a conversation, that is correct, without a single conversation, evidently changed his mind - and "will not apologize for anything."

He spent years convincing me of how miserable his marriage was, how mean and unstable his wife was, how he had been depressed for years and turned into a shell of a man.

He told me every day how I had saved him, in every way a person can be saved.  He cried in my arms, often, tears of sadness and tears of joy. And then he acted as if none of it ever happened, literally became a jekyll/hyde in every terrifying sense, and "will not apologize for anything."

Lest you think it was just one unfortunate mistake, one small misunderstanding - you should know that I was just one in a long line of women that began the first week of his marriage - which he proudly told me and others.

What kind of person refuses to apologize after betraying someone and destroying their life? Refuses to acknowledge the truth? Refuses to be accountable for his actions and agreements?

This is a portrait of a dangerous man, a man who is incapable of empathy - or remorse, a man without character - or conscience. A true narcissist. I never really understood that word or the disorder. There are signs though, all men who abuse women this way are strikingly similar and predictable. But they pull it off because they are masters of disguise and deceit. 

The sad truth is that no matter how smart, or strong, or good, or kind you are, you can still be preyed upon and fooled by damaged individuals, with no true love or caring in their heart.

I hope this look behind the truth will spare even one person from the suffering that my family, friends and I have experienced.