There is Always Another Choice
This is my story. It’s about me and my life and no one else. It is definitely not a sentimental yearning for a man or a dewy-eyed view of a relationship. I don’t like writing about the beginning and all the things I felt and believed, any more than I do about the ending. It is all painful now, but it is the truth and it’s all I am left with.
This man pursued me, wooed me, committed his love and life to me, and in the flash of a second, put a lance in my heart and betrayed me. He was the person I felt closest to and I would have trusted him with my life, and in fact I did. But this wasn’t life or death, it was just a man hurting a woman, convincing her to change her life and give up everything, and then when his grown child was suddenly going to be successful in the arena he coveted and he wanted the money and fame, he renounced every word that he had spoken for years, every deed, every belief, and anyone who got in the way of the lies he had to tell to do it.
He renounced all of the things that had produced a profound change in him; love - after pleading for it, sex - after spending his whole life desiring and seeking it, the higher ideals he adopted and aspired to, his passions and dreams. The changes that took place in him while we were together were noticed by every person he came in contact with and altered every relationship and aspect of his life for the better, they filled him with pride and energy and there was no part of his changed life that wouldn't garner respect and admiration.
The things we experienced were special in anyone's life, by anyone’s standard. He now acts as if none of it happened or to be more accurate, lied about and did everything possible to diminish it, and me. The gifts, lessons and experiences he took to share with, and give credit to, someone else.
Not many people come into our lives with everything we've ever wanted…..and the desire to share it with us. It is a gift for anyone to open their heart and love us, period. Trusting, believing, supporting, desiring, honoring, laughing.....icing on the cake. You don't diminish or give someone else credit for that.
So be it.
But in doing so, he went far beyond what was necessary or acceptable by any standard. He is an educated, financially secure man in the middle of life who knows better and who had every option in the world available to him. This kind of person has no excuse for damaging other people.
Even so, after all was said and done, when there was little left for anyone to hold onto, what was the great hardship asked of him? To tell the truth and be decent. What is meant by decent? To be kind and respectful in speech and manner, that’s all, very simple, very meager. He refused and in fact took great pride in his cruelty and continues to inflict harm with imputations that reflect a disturbed mind.
He has been given many opportunities to amend and abate the situation and he has refused. He has been asked to put the welfare of everyone involved as the top consideration, and refused. He has shown no remorse for the pain, suffering or loss incurred by anyone but himself, for anyone's children but his own. He refuses to be accountable for anything, in any way. And he adamantly refuses to apologize - to apologize.
Well, I refuse to continue being his victim. I refuse to let my children and friends be the victims of someone who refuses to utter a word of concern. I refuse to let all the women who have been used and deceived by him be further diminished. And I adamantly refuse to enable or let this happen to anyone else.
I had already lived the first half of my life, the one you learn with, and I was determined to live the real one, the one that reflected who I really was. This relationship was not part of that, I did not go looking for it and did not want it. I found myself in a position I never thought I could ever be in, I was strong, independent and secure, I was genuine and conscientious, I didn't play games and didn't need validation or anything else and still, it happened to me just like millions of other people.
I've lived, I've had relationships that weren't authentic, tried on different roles and personalities, I've held things back and pretended, played it safe, and been wild. I've had relationships where I went through the motions, or saw it the way I wanted it to be. Sometimes we can fake things and not even know that we are; we may believe it’s real at the time, but when something real comes along, when we experience true intimacy and share true, deep emotions, there is no mistaking or denying it, we may never have experienced them before, but we recognize them instantly and our souls will always come back to, and never forget, those moments of authenticity when we were vulnerable and trusting, when we were seen and known.
What happens after that can and does take many paths, we grow and change, lose our way, find new paths, sometimes get blinded by love or consumed with desire, we know when these happen too, it doesn't have to make sense or be what we want, but it happens and whether it’s friends, lovers or family, in their hearts everyone knows the truth.
This relationship was as conscious and purposeful as any relationship has ever been. We explored, examined, divulged and avowed before entrusting and committing. I don't know what happened to this man that I opened my heart to, the person I knew is gone, or maybe he never existed at all. Everything that he said he used to be, that his life was full of and he wanted to escape, every last quality and behavior, he reverted to, embracing what he once triumphantly rejected.
I lost so much because I let him into my life, but by attempting to deny and change the truth of our story, the truth of who I am and what I lived every day, he attempts to take what is most important to and about me and make a lie out of my life. No one has a right to do that. I know what happened in my life and what was true, and I know what did not happen and what was not true. And as much as I would like to forget I ever met him, I will not let him change the truth about me or what I lived.
I hope that by sharing my story, by telling the truth, as painful and embarrassing as it is, that it will help others tell the truth in their lives, and hopefully, just maybe, spare one person from being traumatized, from losing all faith and belief in themselves and the world, and if nothing else, know that they are not alone.
It is one thing to break someone's heart, it's another to cruelly manipulate and deceive them, to maliciously attack them, to cause them to lose everything and break their soul. Please be brave and strive to be honest about who you really are, don't lie to people and don't treat them in hurtful, damaging ways................there is always another choice.