The Blind Side

Of course we read this book. First of all, it's a sports book, which we devoured, and second it was written by Michael Lewis, who wrote one of our very favorite books, Moneyball.

I bought and read the book and then passed it on to him.  After he read it, I remember how odd it was that the only character he talked about was the woman who adopted Michael, going on and on with strange comments. 

What interested him about this book was what interested him his whole life. He didn't care about the plight of the young man or the heartwarming generosity of the family, he was only interested in their money and position and very specifically the woman.

Everywhere he went and in everything he did, he sought out people that were useful to him  - successful, or wealthy, or connected, well you get the idea and he sought out women, especially women that were married to successful men. 

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised after all I had been through with him, but he was such a master liar and manipulator and would work so hard at making me believe he had changed, but then every once in a while he would slip up and something like this would happen that made me feel kind of sick inside.

Anyway, I heard the daughter in the story interviewed on television and she said what a blessing it is to have someone come into your life that accepts you, and loves you, unconditionally.

And what a nightmare it is to have someone pretend to feel that way for years while you change your whole life and sacrifice everything for them, only to discover what they really are is your enemy, using and betraying you at every turn, and who without a moment's pause, turns their back on and attacks you.

That is what it is to be hit on your blind side in real life. The kind of betrayal that  no one can ever prepare for or imagine, and  the kind that damages you. It is the kind of damage that my abuser experienced and then turned around and inflicted upon me, the only person that ever offered him something else, who stood by him and protected his blind side.

What's It All About

There are two things I've learned in life: find someone to love and live everyday as if it were your last.

'Alfie'

I had made all the arrangements and juggled everything I had to so I could meet him for a couple days in one of the towns he went to often for work. I got there in the early afternoon and we wanted to do something but the weather wasn't great so I suggested we go to a movie. Really, he said, I can't remember the last time I went to a movie. You're kidding, I said. No, I think the last movie I saw was...and he said some movie from years ago. Well, what do you do, I asked, do you go out to eat or what. No, he said, we don't really do anything. Why not, I asked. Because we don't do anything that cost money, he said sadly. 

We got to the theatre, got our popcorn and picked out our spot. It was the only time we went to that theatre but I can still picture it and remember exactly where we sat. There was only one other person there and we were a little early so we ate popcorn and talked while we waited for the previews to start.  I slipped my arm through his and we held hands and kissed. He turned to me with a big smile and that wistful look he often got and said you know what, I've never done this before. What do you mean, I asked. I've never been to a movie with a girl he said. Come on I said, how can that be, you must have gone to a movie with your wife. Maybe, but it's not the same thing he said, this is the first time I've been to a movie with a woman and had her hold on to my arm and kiss me, it's something I always heard or read about but never got to experience, and with tears in his eyes said, this is really special. I was filled with sadness for the boy, and the man, who had never known real intimacy or love, never even had a girl hold on to him in a movie. I rested my head on his shoulder and he held me a little tighter. Just one of the many first time experiences and tender moments we shared.

The movie we saw was Alfie. Afterwards he was excited and said it was the best movie he had ever seen (not hard compared to something from a decade ago!) and it remained his favorite for a long time. He asked me if I thought it would win any awards and I said no I don't think it will. He would ask me this after every movie for a long time and I would patiently explain why it would or wouldn't, until he had seen enough to be able to distinguish the difference and by that time it was part of our routine so he would ask just for fun. One year the Academy Awards were approaching and he was delighted, saying it was the first time he had seen any of the movies, let alone all of them. 

He identified with the character Alfie, said he saw a lot of himself, shallow relationships, unloved, and always on the outside looking in. I think movies helped him experience emotions he couldn't get in touch with in himself but when he saw them in other people, could recognize them. He had been living in his own little world for so long and they were one more thing that put him in touch with the world. There were so many things he had never done or experienced and I would always ask him, how is that possible and where have you been living, under a rock?

He was so happy and movies became one of our favorite things to do. In the beginning we usually went Friday afternoons because it gave us time to hold on to each other before being apart for the weekend and of course days when it was too cold or rainy to be outside. 

One time we went with some friends, and this was a couple that had been together for less time than we had and who really cared for each other, but the way that he and I interacted, the knowing looks and smiles we exchanged, the genuine enjoyment of being with each other, where ever we were, doing whatever we were doing, still holding on tight, and it struck me how strong the attraction and connection was that we had. I looked around, no one else looked the same way and I realized, even as part of me didn't want to, just how special it was. 

Some people never have it, others lose it along the way, but for us it was always like that and never did go away even till the very end, which is the bizarre thing. He saw it and knew it long before me, said he had waited his whole life for it and convinced me to change mine, and how he could suddenly turn his back on it, or me, or the commitments and promises, I will never know. I don't know how he could ever watch that movie, or any other one, and not feel like a complete fraud. But hey, his son is going to be famous and he is finally going to be somebody, all of which made him forget every word he spoke for years along with his manhood and sexuality, and as for me ......... just a piece of garbage to be kicked out of the way.

Slum Dog Millionaire

People will tell you Slum Dog Millionaire is a movie about love, and poverty, and karma, but what it really is, is a movie about truth. The main character is a young man who has made his way onto a game show and against all odds is poised to win the grand prize of twenty million rupees. But he is a boy who grew up in the slums of Bombay (now Mumbai) a slum dog, with no parents and no education, and no one believes he could possibly know the answers to all the questions he has been asked and answered correctly.

Before the final show they have the local police haul him off to find out how he cheated. He is beaten and tortured, and he talks, but he doesn't say what they want or expect. The police captain is mystified and intrigued, and begins to listen. He asks the young man about each question and how he knew the answer and as he tells him, the story of his life unfolds.

The telling of the story is riveting, it's funny and frightening, beautiful and heartbreaking, not because he seeks to make it so, but because he doesn't. He tells it without criticism or judgement, in the moment, no looking back or forward, reacting to whatever is placed before him and following wherever it leads, and his innocence, the innocence of childhood, of all of us at one time in our lives and still buried in our hearts, is raw and piercing.  

The young man knows that everything in his life has led him to this moment. He doesn't know why and makes no attempt to attach any meaning. He only knows it is true. It is his story and he will not disown it, however sad, or painful, or humiliating, however difficult or uncomfortable it is for other people to hear or acknowledge.

To do so would be to disown himself, and it would be to disown his mother who was murdered, his brother who protected him, the girl he loved who was used by everyone, his fellow slum dogs who suffered, and even his enemies who were living reminders of the alternative. They all were real and had a story. They all mattered. Lose his story, and he will be lost.

The other characters have already disowned their stories or are at some stage in between. The crooks who gave up a long time ago, the brother who did what he had to but who couldn't forget, the successful game show host who cares only about himself, the police who have become hardened and the young girl on the verge of succumbing, of giving up all hope and belief and permanently burying the beauty and promise that comes into this world with all of us.

We who have been lucky enough to be born in a different place and time are faced with the same choice, we just lose ourselves in the more civilized ways of our own unique environment; habits, addictions, distractions, success, possessions, negativity, judgement, these are how we lose our truth and our way.

We all have a story that is beautiful and heartbreaking. We all have a truth. Every life matters and everyone's truth deserves to be acknowledged and respected. When we allow for the humanity of others, we allow for our own. When we deny it, when our hearts and minds are blocked by hurt and fear and we refuse to see and tell our own truth, we refuse it in others. 

Slumdog Millionaire is the story of the life of one inconsequential human being in a sea of inconsequential human beings. It is everyone's story.