What's It All About

There are two things I've learned in life: find someone to love and live everyday as if it were your last.

'Alfie'

I had made all the arrangements and juggled everything I had to so I could meet him for a couple days in one of the towns he went to often for work. I got there in the early afternoon and we wanted to do something but the weather wasn't great so I suggested we go to a movie. Really, he said, I can't remember the last time I went to a movie. You're kidding, I said. No, I think the last movie I saw was...and he said some movie from years ago. Well, what do you do, I asked, do you go out to eat or what. No, he said, we don't really do anything. Why not, I asked. Because we don't do anything that cost money, he said sadly. 

We got to the theatre, got our popcorn and picked out our spot. It was the only time we went to that theatre but I can still picture it and remember exactly where we sat. There was only one other person there and we were a little early so we ate popcorn and talked while we waited for the previews to start.  I slipped my arm through his and we held hands and kissed. He turned to me with a big smile and that wistful look he often got and said you know what, I've never done this before. What do you mean, I asked. I've never been to a movie with a girl he said. Come on I said, how can that be, you must have gone to a movie with your wife. Maybe, but it's not the same thing he said, this is the first time I've been to a movie with a woman and had her hold on to my arm and kiss me, it's something I always heard or read about but never got to experience, and with tears in his eyes said, this is really special. I was filled with sadness for the boy, and the man, who had never known real intimacy or love, never even had a girl hold on to him in a movie. I rested my head on his shoulder and he held me a little tighter. Just one of the many first time experiences and tender moments we shared.

The movie we saw was Alfie. Afterwards he was excited and said it was the best movie he had ever seen (not hard compared to something from a decade ago!) and it remained his favorite for a long time. He asked me if I thought it would win any awards and I said no I don't think it will. He would ask me this after every movie for a long time and I would patiently explain why it would or wouldn't, until he had seen enough to be able to distinguish the difference and by that time it was part of our routine so he would ask just for fun. One year the Academy Awards were approaching and he was delighted, saying it was the first time he had seen any of the movies, let alone all of them. 

He identified with the character Alfie, said he saw a lot of himself, shallow relationships, unloved, and always on the outside looking in. I think movies helped him experience emotions he couldn't get in touch with in himself but when he saw them in other people, could recognize them. He had been living in his own little world for so long and they were one more thing that put him in touch with the world. There were so many things he had never done or experienced and I would always ask him, how is that possible and where have you been living, under a rock?

He was so happy and movies became one of our favorite things to do. In the beginning we usually went Friday afternoons because it gave us time to hold on to each other before being apart for the weekend and of course days when it was too cold or rainy to be outside. 

One time we went with some friends, and this was a couple that had been together for less time than we had and who really cared for each other, but the way that he and I interacted, the knowing looks and smiles we exchanged, the genuine enjoyment of being with each other, where ever we were, doing whatever we were doing, still holding on tight, and it struck me how strong the attraction and connection was that we had. I looked around, no one else looked the same way and I realized, even as part of me didn't want to, just how special it was. 

Some people never have it, others lose it along the way, but for us it was always like that and never did go away even till the very end, which is the bizarre thing. He saw it and knew it long before me, said he had waited his whole life for it and convinced me to change mine, and how he could suddenly turn his back on it, or me, or the commitments and promises, I will never know. I don't know how he could ever watch that movie, or any other one, and not feel like a complete fraud. But hey, his son is going to be famous and he is finally going to be somebody, all of which made him forget every word he spoke for years along with his manhood and sexuality, and as for me ......... just a piece of garbage to be kicked out of the way.