Priorities

He talked all the time about the things he wished he had and hadn't done in his life. He didn't talk much about the future or what he wanted to do, at least not in the beginning. It was as if his life didn't belong to him and he was just going along making the best of whatever came his way, and of course there was the fact that he always had a second life he was putting his energy into so he wouldn't have to face the reality of his real one. But the longer we were together the more alive and inspired he became. 

One day I told him about some different father son trips that friends had taken and he told me how much he wished he had done the same with his son. I asked him why he hadn't and he answered like he always did, very sadly with the just being that he wasn't able to make those kinds of decisions or do those kinds of things, and because they cost money. 

One of the things we talked about doing was going to Florida for spring training. He had a friend that lived there and we talked about a dream trip with baseball and golf but he had moved out about five months earlier and really missed his son, so I suggested he take him instead. He gave his usual pessimistic answers, no he won't go, he has school and ball, and his mother won't let him, and I just kept giving my usual positive encouragement and why nots, you don't know until you try, what have you got to lose and don't ask, just tell him he's going. As was always the case he would think on it awhile, throw the idea out there and see what the response was. There definitely were obstacles and resistance in the beginning, his son had a tournament and wanted to go to the beach, but he kept whittling away at the objections and even worked on the coach to get permission.

I'll never forget how happy he was when he finally knew for sure they were going, he beamed with happiness. He loved having his son to himself and was excited about the trip, but it was every bit as much about the feeling it gave him to have turned this dream into a reality, the pride and the independence. And then he asked a friend (now that he actually had some) and his son to go along and was even more excited. A father and son road trip, with a buddy, to see baseball, no women and no rules - every man's dream.

He was so funny, he started working on all the details right away, call, call, call, get tickets and a place to stay, plan the route. He was liberated by being able to make decisions himself, unlike his marriage where he said he never got to, and buoyed by having someone be supportive. I printed off some fun things for them to look at and read, made sure he had his sunscreen and sent him to the store to get plenty of snacks.

He somehow found a way to call me several times every day, like he always did, and as always I was very touched by that, thinking I was special - turns out I shouldn't have been, he does it with who ever he's with and I was........nobody.

Anyway he had a great time, he called and told me how he went to the dog races, placed bets for everyone and lost money but didn't care because it was so much fun and he didn't have to lie about or get lectured for it. I was there waiting for him that night when he came home, the way I often did, in the bed half asleep and half awake, with open arms. It was just the beginning for him, there were many trips to come, many new experiences and feelings, many sacrifices by me for his growth and happiness, and many more happy homecomings.

This year, he didn't go to spring training. He has plenty of vacation time, a company car, free tickets, most likely a free place to stay like last year, takes very few trips, his son is already there, and it's the thing he loves most and always dreamed about. I think he spent next to nothing last year but I'm sure he didn't go because of the money, probably saving for another television, or something much more important, like hurting me.

Bizarre upon bizarre, these ultra frugal, wear one pair of shoes for five years, criticize every penny spent people, had no problem going straight to an attorney and spending with no limit to attack me. It's unbelievable really, the last thing most people want to do is give their hard earned money away to an attorney, I don't know anyone who doesn't think very hard before doing so. But then I've never known anyone with so much anger and hurt bottled up, or so much denial, bitterness and lies in a marriage. 

I think about the countless stories I listened to about the role money played in their life, the fights, the control, the emotional damage to him and his son, how sad and depressing it was, and I am stunned, fool that I am, I am stunned. And I am ashamed, for him, for how he could do this, how he could not be ashamed and humiliated at what he put me through and what he took from me by fraud, the love and the kindness, the endless empathy and generosity for his pain, for his heart.

I showed him another way to live and to think about money and everything else, which he and his son thrived on, his wife seemed to adopt some of it too. How nice for him to take from me, my words and my kindness, my guidance and understanding, and share them with someone else. Their newfound generosity with money also happened to coincide with their son's success, but that is another story.

Other things he said were as much a problem as money in his marriage were coldness, meanness and spite. I guess he told the truth about something. The priorities in his life were always distorted and sad.  Attacking me instead of living your dream and watching your son, very sad, and very scary.