Do I Turn Here?

When we met he had the strangest habit (one of many) of asking about every act and decision while driving. Do I turn here? Should I get off here? Is this the exit I should take? 

He wasn't in a strange town or on roads he didn't know, and he wasn't really asking for help, what he was asking for was permission. It was very odd to me, I had never been in a car with anyone who acted this way. I had maybe seen on television or heard stories of couples where one of them (usually the woman) dominates and henpicks the man right down to giving him instructions while driving, including when to turn and where to park. Anyone watching such a scene recognizes how demeaning it is. 

I was not into that, it is not how I treat people. At first, just to be polite, I would nicely say - if you want, or you can go which ever way you want, or I'm not sure I wasn't paying attention. And then one day I very gently asked him, why do you do that, why do you ask if this is the exit when you already know it is? He got that very sad, pitiful look on his face and said it was habit, that his wife had either told him every move to make while driving or criticised him for what ever choice he made. So, I said, to avoid confrontation or standing up for yourself, you play the game of clue less and ask permission for every move you make? I guess I do, he said sadly.

Well, I am not like that, I told him and I would never dream of treating anyone that way. He already knew that of course. He knew that what I valued the most in this world was kindness. He saw that I treated everyone with whom I came in contact, with dignity and respect. In fact, I think it was what drew him to me because he craved it so desperately. 

So he started taking responsibility for himself, making his own turns and decisions, and driving like normal people. And he loved it. It was a whole level of stress gone. What he saw was that it had also been a distraction for them, a way to avoid communicating about anything real. This was a game they employed in every area of their life, talking about the mail, or their bank account, or bills, or child - anything to avoid their problems and repressed emotions.

Now we had fun and adventures while we drove, although everyone once in a while he would really not know which way to go or turn to make and ask me, and thinking he was just doing it out of habit I would refuse to answer. Well, we would miss the exit and have to turn around, but instead of criticism and blame, we would laugh all the way. Laugh and be happy that we could do whatever we wanted, go off course, make any mistake, choose any direction in life.......and be loved and supported all the way.

Funny, after he moved back into his house he started reverting right back into his old ways. We still spent every day together and travelled together and it was unbelievably sad to witness. He acted like a depressed, humiliated man asking permission for every move he made.