I Was Always Going to Be Used

From the moment we met I was always going to be used, I was always going to be attacked and threatened, I was always going to be betrayed.

I never did anything to this person, who repeatedly assaulted and damaged me, but always behind my back -while swearing his undying love and commitment to my face.

I was never anything to this man. The life I had, that my husband and children had is nothing. Our loss and our pain is nothing, except of course for how what he did might reflect upon him in the eyes of others - the consummate narcissist.

It is extremely painful to have to acknowledge that; it is an assault on my humanity and makes me physically ill.  Not because I have any feelings for him, but because the things he did to me were so far beyond the limits of decent behavior or accepted standards, that they can only be described as evil.  They are an assault on all humankind.

I am just another one of his "episodes," another bump in the road, another - in a long line - of meaningless women; the ones I listened to him confess about, listened to him act as if they were nothing and tell me he was as much a convenience to them as they were to him.

I told him I wanted no part of that kind of behavior or life, that I was not that kind of person, I didn't play games with other peoples live's - or with my own.  I told him I was not one of those girls and would not stand for being treated that way.  

I told him and told him this was wrong and I didn't want it. We discussed and discussed and discussed, the proximity of our lives and what the consequences would be.

I begged for the truth, for a truthful, honest life and relationship.  That was the focus of our relationship every day. 

What a joke huh?  No, not a joke, just a very evil, sick man, who preyed on me as his new target and victim, just like he had all the others.  And just like all the others, assaulted and damaged me every time I turned my back.  And when I stood up for myself and called him out, he revealed his true self, and the evil, hateful, hurtful person he is.