Football and A Dream Life

I went to an event in a nearby town and met a lot of people who are big football fans. I even met the big guy himself, the head coach (who was much more easy going in person than on tv.) Of course I was invited to a game, any time I wanted, and also invited to play in a golf outing. 

What irony. The N who abused me loved this team. He would go to games - when someone would offer him free tickets. Once early on, before he moved out, he said the person with tickets offered him a second one and he thought maybe he should take his wife because she was acting very suspicious and thought he might "be up to something" in that town because he went so often (of course she was right for years.) He wanted to make sure that it was okay with me though and afterwards, boy did he complain about how awful it was going with her.

He talked all the time about how he couldn't wait to take me to these games, to have our own tickets, tailgate and invite friends. He would describe it all in detail, the sights, the sounds, the smells, what he ate, who he saw and the jokes they told. And of course, I listened with such care, believing this was all true and going to be my life.

A couple of times he went to a party after a game. He called me afterwards, gushing, about all of it, the people, the house, and the life he dreamed of for us. The house was very nice he said, with a great backyard and pool. I remember him being very sentimental and describing it as being so warm and inviting, a real home, where a real family lived, nothing like his house, he said, where it was all a sham, nothing like the home he grew up in either.

And then he talked about the people that were there. He was in the beginning of his opening up to people stage that I was encouraging him on (although he always pandered heavily to anyone that was successful) and it was having a big effect. He talked about how fantastic it was to sit and talk with the people there who were so nice and so open. We talked about how great it was to be around people who are similar to you, who like the same things, and who think the same way. Especially people who love sports, and who actually played sports, at one time or another. He said it was like time stood still and he felt so alive and inspired.

In his life, he said, it wasn't like this. They didn't have friends like this, they didn't talk about things like this, or believe in things like this. But he desperately wanted to. This was the life he wanted to create. We talked about how incredible it would be when we could have a life where we were surrounded with fun, open minded people, going out and doing things, and dreaming and creating, without any negativity and criticism holding us back. We talked about the kind of house we would have. We can have it all I told him, this wonderful, warm place that people will love coming to, we can even have the pool!

It was his dream. Actually, he said it was more than he had ever dared to dream. Until now, until he met me, and I put him back together, and showed him how to love, and how to dream, and now he couldn't wait to make it all come true.

He will never have a life like this. He will never be friends with people like this. He is a fraud and can not get close to people because they will see right through him. All he can do is what all narcissistic con men do, pick out a few victims to prey upon and fool. He will study and mirror them, he will call them on the phone every day, make jokes, ask them questions, he will learn what they like and are interested in and spend an inordinate amount of time trying to become their best buddy. 

But in the end these relationships will be hollow because he is hollow and these people will move on to real people, and real lives.

Abusive Betrayal of Love

"The narcissist is at all times a deceiver, never straight, clear, or true. He thrives in an illusive world of curves and meanders. He has mastered the ability to delude himself and others.

Emotionally detached and isolated, the narcissist is incapable of truly caring for someone else. This callousness allows him to launch plans that psychologically wound others if he perceives them as a threat.

In his obsession to win at all costs, he is unencumbered by ethics or morality. Hurt feelings, financial ruin, blighted reputations, incipient illnesses, broken relationships, suicides... are the tragic residue of the narcissist's endeavours.

He leaves many lives in disarray and chaos, like bodies strewn on a battle field. He coolly steps over these ravaged corpses to reach his destination. The length of a relationship or its history is never a factor in how he treats the other person."

Abusive Betrayal of Love © Michele Toomey

Nothing does a better job of describing a narcissist than this quote.  The LM (lying manipulator) in my life was the poster boy.  He was at all times a deceiver, about everything but especially about him self. He lied about who he was, what he believed, his past, you name it, from the biggest thing that you would never lie about, to the smallest.

He was never straight, never clear and never true, unless he thought it would get him something. He did his best at all times not to be straight, clear or true so that he could manipulate any situation, or any person, to his benefit whenever it suited him.  It came to a point when the curves and meanders of his lies and deceptions were nothing but a very sad joke.

I have never seen callousness of the degree he possessed in another human being. He was callous towards his parents, his sister, his wife, co workers and every one else.

Emotional detachment was his survival mechanism, supposedly from childhood and living in a loveless, emotionally barren marriage.  He showed very little emotion, his facial features and even his voice were flat and monotone.  He lived in isolation because his whole life was a lie. He said he had no friends and that he and his wife interacted like strangers, so he lived a double life pursuing woman after woman. 

Psychologically wounding was his specialty, a craft, he said, perfected in his home growing up and duplicated in his.

Winning at all costs was the mantra he followed in sports, business and relationships, unapologetically.  He was prepared to do anything to ensure the outcome he wanted with no concept of even thinking about the consequences for anyone else.

Of course, because he is personality disordered, he did an excellent job at hiding his true self from me for a very long time. And worse yet, he used it all, to gain my sympathy and my trust by professing to want to change. 

All along the way he made decision after decision to deceive, manipulate, take from and hurt me, even as I, every day, talked about and strived for a life of honesty and authenticity.  Meaning that every choice he made was conscience and purposeful, with complete and total disregard for me, my life and my family. 

Ethics?  Morality?  No, literally not in his vocabulary.  What he did to me was a malicious, willfull, hostile take over and occupation, by deception, leaving in it's wake complete and utter destruction.  Even in the very end, much could have been saved by the simple act of accountability and telling the truth.  Something the personality disordered will never do; they would rather create hardship and terror, on top af abuse and betrayal, rather than give up their false facade.  

This is not a misunderstanding or mistake.  This is abuse.  It is an abusive betrayal of much more than the trust and love of an innocent person, it is an abusive betrayal of the safety, and the humanity of another human being.

Such is the life of Narcissus - "who's soul was sent to the darkest hell."