Classless - Business as Usual

We went to look at a house and he made an offer on the spot. It was perfect for him and he really wanted to buy it after living in an apartment for eight months since separating from his wife. When he told her about it he said she was livid. Since the divorce was not final the mortgage company wanted her to sign for the loan too and there was no way she was going to do that, nor did he want her to. He was told there was a simple legal agreement she could sign to absolve her of any responsibility. He said she absolutely refused and thought he was being extravagant even though the payments weren't much more than his apartment rent and she did not care how he lived, even though he made sure her home stayed intact and left without taking so much as a fork.

He understood she might feel that way but it had been eight months and he felt the first priority should have been their son, which it never was, he was simply a pawn to be used between them.  More than anything else he wanted to make a home for his son that was nearby and he would want to spend time in. He was grateful the broker he was using lived in their neighborhood and knew them both, and felt it would keep her from really "going off" and being unreasonable as the all important battle cry in their home had always been "what will the neighbors think."

He called me distraught one day, they had been arguing and she wasn't going to sign. I told him it wasn't that important, that he should just wait and in a few months when the divorce was final he could buy something else. But he really wanted this place. I asked him what they were fighting about, there must be a reason. He said that since they didn't have a final agreement she was using this as a bargaining chip, to hurt and control him as usual, and what he always said, she is crazy and mean.

I tried to calm him down and said there are always two sides and there must be some specific reasons and concerns she has. Finally he said she wanted to know how much money she would be getting and be secure of her financial situation. Now that makes sense and is understandable I said, but he didn't think one had anything to do with the other. She thinks she will get less if my rent is higher. He reasoned that he had to live somewhere and it wasn't going to be in an apartment, this was an entry level town home and even if he moved to a better apartment it would cost the same, so the effect was nill, and they were lucky enough that their financial situation was good. I told him it wasn't worth it if it makes things worse between you.

He called her back and then called me and was happy and laughing. He said she agreed to sign. Wow, that's great I said, what happened, did you talk it all out? Not exactly he said, I just told her if she didn't sign I was going to go uptown and rent a really nice expensive apartment, and that was that. That's it how it was with them, instead of elevating things and themselves to a higher level, reduce them to the basest.

He was so proud of himself and this place, he was moving forward and made this investment with no money down. He moved in and we eagerly continued preparing for our new life together and set out out to make a home for us and his son, one he would be proud of, want to visit and bring his friends.

And after many unbelievable events,  he moved in with her again. And through it all the fights raged on about this house, not their past or future, anger and resentments, because they don't talk about things like that he always told me, they only talk about money and things, conducting their entire life on a strictly transactional basis.

And then, after betraying me in every way imagineable, he took her to the house she wanted nothing to do with and he said he would never let her step foot in, the one I poured my heart and soul into, not to mention a great deal of money. Even though it inflamed an already unbearable situation for many people. Even though they continually wanted and asked for consideration. Why? For some all important reason? No, for the sole purpose of gaining any meager scrap of benefit he could. He happily uses anything and anyone he can because he has no moral center, no conscience, nothing is sacred, only crude survival skills and self delusions in an effort to find someway to live with himself.

And, it gives them what they desperately need, something to focus on other than themselves and their problems, business as usual for them. Did you get the mail, call the plumber, pay the bill, write the check? All the things he talked about and hated, the things that drove him to addictions, made him depressed and full of anxiety. And now he regurgitates every conversation and experience, do you like this that she picked out, this that her and I spents months working on, oh and we tried to be as frugal as possible and not use any savings to give you time to deal with things and  feel secure so you wouldn't take it out on our son. 

He told me he had always had white walls wherever he lived because of resale value. I wanted to and did bring color into his life in every way.  I spent weeks picking the colors and painting the walls myself, not to mention the countless hours cleaning, decorating, organizing, crawling in the attic and fixing things. I would take all my clothes off, put on a big, old t-shirt of his, put some music on, and paint my tribute for all he had sacrificed and endured. I made sure his son had nice things and a place of his own, snacks and cold bottles of water next to his bed when he came in, lotion for his dry skin. I put together the bed his son slept in, and the one we did too. I cut everyone and everything out of my life to build this one with him.

He lied to and about me, manipulated and used me.

I stood by and protected him. 

He told me to trust him.

I did.

I found myself in a situation I did not go looking for, want or thought I could ever be in. I did everything I could to understand and do the right thing by everyone.

I am far from perfect, made my mistakes and carry responsibility, but towards this man........to this man, I was honest, sincere, loving and supportive in every way. I restored his lost soul and made him know for the first time in his life what it was to be truly loved. I saw the hurt he held inside from growing up and his previous relationship, and tried every day to heal it. 

I treated him with a kindness and tenderness uncommon in most lives.

To the last day he told me he loved me, had moved back for his son and what a terrible mistake it had been. Regardless of what he felt he had to do, he did not have to inflict more damage on me. He could have stood up like a man should, like the man he said he wanted to be, and refused to do so. He could have shown an ounce of the consideration I did to him and his family every day. But he chose to inflict ever more damage on me and sink to ever increasing lows, using every piece of me, my life and all the incredible treasures I gave him, for his own shamelessly selfish gain.

I can not imagine what it feels like for either one of them to walk in there. Except that it is business as usual and they don't feel a thing.