Last Christmas

A year ago Christmas we were still seeing each other every day. We still shopped for presents to send to his family, he did not want his wife involved because she disliked his family and would tell him how much he could spend, an endless source of conflict for them. Afterwards when his sister told him how much she liked the sweater he sent and was wearing it, he was delightfully stunned.

He still helped me pick out my tree, one of our best memories was a few years before when we drove to a Christmas tree farm, trudged around and he cut a giant tree for me, something he had always wanted to do. We were taking lots of trips, when we would get there usually at the end of the day, he would always want to take a nap and I never minded, I understood his energy levels and would usually even lay down with him even though I was wide awake and ready to go. I don't  know why I was so patient and willing to do this as I always have so much energy and love to go and do, but I just had this tremendous empathy for all the years he lived with no one really seeing or caring about him, and I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated for all he had sacrificed for me.

We went to lots of movies, drove around and looked at lights and he helped me shop. On one of our excursions he found this awesome yard display, a mailbox that opened and held out a letter no less! He had to take it back because he said it didn't work once he got it home, but he also said it wasn't very appreciated there. We spent a lot of time together in those weeks, the sadness of not being together pulling at us both. We had lunch Christmas eve and he even managed to call the next day. The day after we layed down holding each other remembering the year before and how different our lives were with the promise of a future that was wide open. He gave me a pair of earrings that were beautiful and perfect, I was surprised and very touched. He said he gave her a cd and nothing else, and I never questioned him, but I imagine that was a lie like everything else and she received the same thing as me more or less, or just more that is, that's their way, always diminishing others just a little. She gave him tickets to a concert, one him and I had talked about going to months before and I knew this was one more thing I had brought into his life that he unjustly arrogated into his with another woman. He said the last thing he wanted to do was go to a concert with her and offered to get out of it but the die was cast when he took our conversation to make up for the lack of one over there. I can pretty much guess what he got her this year, something I asked him for or liked, no doubt.

As usual he said things were not great at his house for Christmas with his usual pre holiday expectations replaced by disappointment and a deadness, they didn't have a Christmas dinner, no cakes or pies. He didn't want to talk about the day but at one point said if you really want to know here is what happened, revealing little things that were very hurtful, and as always hard to believe anyone would endure. Festivities at their house generally only happened when other people were present which they tried hard to ensure the occurrence of, preferring to go anywhere rather than be alone, with people around they could pretend, which is what they did best. Once again he told me how much he regretted moving back, what a horrible mistake it was and how much he loved me.

I still have the Christmas presents I bought for him the year before, they are still wrapped and stored, I haven't been able to bring myself to have to open and dispose of them. The truth of our story is that it wasn't an over sight or bad circumstances, it was a purposeful act by him. After asking for and accepting my love, support and services, and professing his eternal love every day, he purposefully didn't address it, tried to diminish it, our relationship, and me. Just in case, just so he could play things both ways, take what he wanted and needed, but leave himself room to operate. It's all he had ever known, but he knew better because we talked about it all the time, I guess he faked all that too. There isn't much about my life that wasn't turned into a giant lie. He was an empty vessel, no values or integrity, making time to exchanging gifts with someone in your life, anyone, never mind a person who opened their heart to love you and showed it every day, is basic human decency and appreciation, something we give to acquaintances and family pets.....but something he had to keep from me.....because that is what they did in his family, withheld true love, appreciation and respect, in seemingly harmless insidious ways, always acting ever so unaware with a bottomless well of anger and resentment simmering underneath.