The Holidays

Holidays were a mixed bag of emotions for him before and after he moved out. He anticipated them with both eagerness and apprehension, with a sentimental ideal of how they would be and feel but seldom were. The excitement he felt beforehand was usually replaced by melancholy afterwards, he would be concerned with details and schedules before, and after be indifferent and not want to discuss them. Because so much of his life, and all of his emotional one, was lived with other people, in many ways events and holidays were what tied him to the family unit, that and his paycheck of course.

He desperately wanted to feel the closeness and happiness he thought families should at those times, but couldn't, or didn't want, to see that it isn't the events that make people feel that way, it's the love and respect they have for each other, and when those are missing, what's left is the shallow, hollow feeling he would get. I suspect it had always been that way for him, he seemed to experience a strong seasonal melancholy that is fairly common for people from very northern climates. He was a different person with the onset of fall and winter and all the difficulties in his life and relationships seemed to occur during that time. I don't think anyone had ever made him feel loved and special which was all he ever wanted.....and what I tried every day that I was with him to make up for.

Two years ago Christmas we were as close as we had ever been. We had a live tree, which he loved after so many with an artificial, with the big old fashioned lights he preferred, and would sit and stare, marveling at how beautiful it was. We shopped for his family, went out of town, were painting, decorating and buying furniture and planning our future together. It had been exactly a year since my world, and our relationship had been shattered by his duplicity, a year in which he bravely faced his demons and worked hard to earn my love and respect, and I learned to forgive and trust again, as we deepened our commitment to each other.

On Christmas eve day I had so many things to do but spent the morning cleaning his house for him and meeting him to pick out a last minute gift for his son because I didn't think either of them had gotten him enough, and for which he was later glad and when I finally got to his house we furtively embraced and sat holding each other. They were suppose to call him to come over but he didn't know if or when and was upset that they hadn't yet. He was very hurt and I hurt just as deeply for him. I also felt sick with guilt that I wasn't going to be there with him like I should have been. He had been so dedicated and loving, so understanding and patient, or so I believed at the time, and I don't think he ever knew how much that meant to me and bound my love and loyalty to him.

I told him it would never happen again, that I would be with him next year and we would have a big party because I knew how happy it would make him. We stayed embraced that way for a long time in the beautiful house we had created where we were free to be all that we were and told each other over and over how much we loved each other. I didn't want to go and told him I wasn't going to until they called, but finally he made me. He called shortly after and said their friend called and invited him over to where they were going to be but wanted to ask me first to make sure I wouldn't mind. I said of course not, I am so glad and happy and would never want you not to be with your son or be alone. I told him how sweet it was that he would be thoughtful enough to call and ask but I trusted him completely.

Two weeks later I learned how misplaced that trust was. He betrayed me again.....without the benefit.....of a single conversation. Who does that? What.....kind of a man.....does that? After almost three years of vowing your love and commitment, causing someone to give up their whole life to build one with you, after having your world transformed by love.....who does that? 

The day after Christmas, after nurturing and hurting for him, missing out on time and experiences with my family and friends, he couldn't find time to exchange Christmas presents with me, never even mentioned it in conversation, even after we had made the plans the day before, all because he had to operate on their schedule due to the fact that no one cared about his needs or desires. Who does that?

The next day he was flying with his son to visit his father who was going to be alone for the first time after the death of his mother. His wife called him immediately and was upset when he said he wanted to take him, telling him there was nothing for him to do there and you never cared about going before, she couldn't invoke the money guilt because she no longer had that control. Of course it was a great trip, the last one they made together and he told me when his father took them to the airport for their return, his father who had never hugged him or shown any emotion, hugged them both and left with tears in his eyes. I was hurt by him still ignoring the fact that we hadn't exchanged gifts, but while he was away I was cheerful and supportive like always during our many phone calls because I didn't want to do anything to spoil his trip. 

Thanksgiving had been difficult for him also, he said they had a big fight, was told once again how he had ruined his son's life. Christmas was even worse, he said he was told what a terrible day it was, not because they had split, but because he was there that day, and how happy she was going to be when the divorce was final and he couldn't come over anymore. Up till then I had never seen him as angry as he was Christmas eve, the whole thing was so humiliating and hurtful, he said if they didn't call he wasn't going over there the next day on Christmas and that he couldn't wait till the divorce was final too so he didn't have to go over there.

Two weeks later he went to her behind my back, before we went away for the weekend to talk about our future together, and asked her if he could move back. What...kind of a human being...does that? 

So now I am alone and holidays like everything else in my life that was once a source of happiness are now full of painful memories. And of course he was never alone. I was there for him every day, in every way, greeting him with a smile every day. He always knew he was loved, and wanted, and had a beautiful, happy, fun life he could never have imagined, in front of him.