Where Dreams Come True

We had several things we wanted to do before going to the airport but a snow storm was coming that caused a change of plans. I knew he would be worried and said, you know what I would really like, is to just drive down the coast again and stop for a nice dinner along the way, that way we will be going in the direction of the airport and if the weather gets bad we will be close.

While we were driving he told me how sorry he was that we didn't get to do more and he knew that I wouldn't have worried about the weather but appreciated that I understood how worried he would have been. I told him there was nothing to be sorry for and I was glad he shared his feelings, it's what I had encouraged in him from the start, that if you don't show who you really are, your needs will never get met and it will come out in other ways. I know he said, believe me that's what I live in every day and I forget sometimes how easy and straightforward things are with you, and we talked about how since moving back he had reverted to negative thinking and habits.

As a matter of fact he said, when we were at the airport on our way here and they were boarding the plane, I was sweating bullets about missing the flight and amazed that you were in line for coke and doughnuts and chatting away with people. I looked at him and we both burst out laughing. We had always known this about each other and I was equally amazed by his ability to worry about the most trifling thing. I am so sorry I said, that is a perfect example, you never said anything and I knew you wouldn't have done it but had no idea just how much anxiety it caused you. This was the kind of caring and conversation that most people only dream of, what had changed his inner life so dramatically and why we were giving up so much to be together, and that a few short months later he would act as if never existed. 

It was Sunday and most of the businesses were closed but we found one antique store open and stopped, something we did all the time at home. The coast was just as impressive as the first day and I said this place is so beautiful, you love it and talk about it all the time, you even have a place to stay, so why don't you ever come back? He shook his head sadly, he didn't like facing the truth about his life. It wasn't the money or time, it was that he didn't have a relationship with love and respect, where they wanted to be together, shared passions, cared about being close to family or talked about dreams, preferring to bury it all and pretend for others and live out his fantasies with someone else.

We talked about coming back in the summer and how great it would be to spend weeks exploring, we both loved being outdoors and sports of all kinds and you could do it all here, he told me about the golf courses and kayaking. It's amazing that we are here isn't it I said, and it was so easy, one decision, one small step at a time and you are living your dream. Of course that dream was blurred by some big hurdles but it felt so incredible, so exciting and alive to have made something we dreamed about come true and be there together and nothing could take those moments away, at least that's what I thought at the time. 

The storm had moved in and we were glad we were as far as we were and pushed on a little further before stopping to eat. We found a perfect place, intimate, family run and they had something other than seafood. We ordered our meals and as we were talking I saw that familiar change in his mood creeping its way in. He was quieter and less talkative but I was determined not to let anything spoil the day and kept trying to bring him out of it and keep things light and fun. I asked him something, just something innocuous about dreams or something similar and he groused an ascerbic I don't know, didn't say anything else, no polite response such as I've never thought about that or could we talk about something else, no attempt to explain or contribute anything further and continued to ignore me. Withholding was a long ingrained habit and preferred method of sabotaging things, creating a little distance so not too much would be expected from him and he could keep his options open, or sometimes just to get what he wanted or take out his frustrations in an indirect way.

Like any normal person I was hurt by this openly affronting behavior, but in his house the purposed indignities, small acts of disrespect masked by a false facade, were everyday behavior. I didn't say anything and waited for him to speak. Some time went by in silence and then he asked me a question (always a question to put the attention off him) about something completely different. I did what he had done and said nothing and he said what's the matter, why aren't you responding. I did not want to spoil the dinner or the day and even though he already knew, I very gently explained that I had spoken to him and he was rude and ignored me and that it was hurtful. I asked what was wrong and what I could do to help and he just continued playing the familiar game, acting like he didn't know what I meant, or didn't remember, or made excuses, on the surface acting like he cared, but all the while refusing to show true respect and caring by being honest and forthright. 

The whole thing was so unnecessary and disappointing that I lost my appetite and couldn't finish my meal but still determined not to spoil the day told him it was not important and let's just forget about it. We made our way to the airport in the now heavy snow holding hands all the way, a show of reluctance that our trip was coming to an end. We had a good flight home and both did sleep a little this time. 

We needed to get gas for the car when we got home and it was dark and late on a Sunday and there wasn't much open. We made a few wrong turns and then he had to use the restroom so we stopped somewhere else before finding a gas station. He kept apologizing and I said what are you apologizing for, don't be silly. He told me that if he had been with his wife everything would have been a big deal, she'd be upset and critical. Come on, about getting gas and going to the restroom, I asked. Yes, you have no idea he replied and told me how much he appreciated my understanding and support and how good it made him feel. That is unbelievably sad I told him, you know it's not about the gas or the stopping, and the even sadder thing is that you are still there. He also told me how much he appreciated my concern for his father, taking the time to research his hand and what might help and said he never got that kind of support or interest at home either.

On the drive home he told me how great it was spending time with his father and that he never imagined them being so close. His father had even confided in him about his will, telling him how much he had and that he 'hoped he would get half,' which we laughed about because his sister was the executor and neither of these men knew what she might do, but, for them, it was a very affectionate declaration, tantamount to saying I love you or care about you. And he said that being there with his father and with me made him want to go back again soon and more often and talked about going in another few months, maybe even taking his father to Florida in the spring. I was happy for him even though I knew that if he were still living at home, it would never happen, and I was right.

I told him what a wonderful trip it had been and how much I loved the state he had been describing to me for so long, and had to admit that all the bragging he had done, that I was a tad skeptical about, was true, it was special and it's beauty was unequalled, and that I would never forget it.

Every once in a while that bright shining light inside of him would come beaming through and he would surprise me, like with this trip, the necklace, a deep sharing, a brave honesty, a sweet surrender. And like this trip, that light was a glimpse of his untapped potential and of a life he will never have - where anything is possible and dreams really can come true.